On the subject of said DAY JOB, a dear friend wrote "our patient lord has many other plans for us" and somehow this phrase was so comforting and bautiful, I think it was the word "patience" that was most attractive to me here, and so this one has stuck with me for use at many opportune moments.
So how to make my next move? You will know your next step from the step you are taking right now. I read that sentence over and over in one of my favourite books. I keep that sentence as the main weapon in my arsenal at the moment. And I've been outright denying myself, I've let myself get a little lost in past habits and have a lack of eyelashes to show for it. What I've been denying are the WORDS. Let's face it, I'm a wordie. I thought, what is the point of writing, what is the point of the novle, what is the point of the fucking poem or essay. Plays, I see a point to, because of their political abilities and so I've befriended the idea of stage again, though it is, for me, the most unfamiliar genre. But then I realised that there is nothing external in any of these attempts, they are all ESSAI's, and the point is really only to please myself. Though my thoughts are bungled and unclear, this is a symptom of me not taking the time to do what I need to do for myself. This has been a five month roller coast and it's time for me to take more responsbility again.
Though over these five months I beleive I have begun to learn how to be silent and still, and this has been a great gift.